He's so cool, sheep count HIM
-- Dr. Velocity, GameForge, Fri Jul 04, 2003

Cogito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam...
Origen of Portland Oregon

I figure there's no real way to be PC. All I try to do is be considerate.
--Jacob Sommer, on alt.callahans

UNIX is a [dominate & submissive] system; so long as you're properly submissive, it'll be a really nice top and do everything for you.
--my friend Spam

Objective: To have a job that pays decently and doesn't make my brain atrophy or make me want to chew off my own limbs to escape.
--Laurie Brunner

You couldn't get a clue if you covered yourself with clue musk and danced the clue mating dance naked in a clue field during the clue mating season.
--From "an entire Usenet group," quoted on the Techno-Fandom mailing list by Seth Breidbart.

IF IF = THEN THEN THEN = ELSE ELSE ELSE = IF;
--programming language PL/I by Bruce Walker

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic - the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done."
-- Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of the United States.

"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."
-- Albert Einstein quoted in Observer (London, Jan. 15, 1950).

This is a little pile of books written by women who built their careers on whining about feminism gave them too many options, causing them to be confused rather than happy all the time. Please hand me a match.
--the Cranky Woman (Sylvia, 03/24/98)

Another syllogism. All cats die. Socrates is dead. Therefore Socrates is a cat.
--Eugene Ionesco, Rhinoceros

What? You dare defy her whims? She is the Game Master! You are her pawn! She controls your fate!
--Dexter's Laboratory

There are modern Heinlein "Girls" (one still can't call them women) who have grown up and learned to cuss--but they're still Podkayne of Mars under the skin, and I think they were more attractive before they learned to cuss or to have a self-conscious sex life.
--Marion Zimmer Bradley

Your cleverness ferments meat without the need of oxygen.
--the Surrealist Compliment Generator

The truth shall set you free, but first it's going to piss you off.
--Unknown

When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
--Unknown

Few academic subjects are improved by being approached in a spirit of deadly seriousness. I suspect, in fact, that most of them can profit by a bit of kindly mockery, particularly if it is self-administered.
--Barbara Mertz

There is nothing perhaps so generally consoling to a man as a well-established grievance; a feeling of having been injured, on which his mind can brood from hour to hour, allowing him to plead his own cause in his own court, within his own heart,--and always to plead it successfully.
--Anthony Trollope

The thing about corporations is that they never give anything away out of the goodness of their non-existent hearts. As economist Milton Friedman put it, the only social obligation of a corporation is to make money.
--Molly Ivins

And I'd be a Libertarian, if they weren't all a bunch of tax-dodging professional whiners.
--Berke Breathed

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
--Winston Churchill

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.
--James D. Nicoll

"When all you have is a stick, everything looks like a kneecap."
-- carmachu, webrpg, 2003Mar06

"We look on the same stars, the sky is common, the same world surrounds us. What difference does it make by what pains each seeks the truth? We can not attain to so great a secret by one road..."
--Symmachus, "Memorial on the Occasion of the Removal of the Altar of Victory from the Senate House" (392 AD)

Professor (to protesting hippies): Hey! Unless this is a nude love in, get the hell off my property!
Hippie: You can't OWN property, man.
Professor: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie.
-- Futurama

"I've dirtied my hands writing poetry, for the sake of seduction; that is, for the sake of a useful cause."
--Dostoevsky

"There are 10 types of people in this world, those who can count in binary and those who can't."
-- EccentricAnomaly

"It is a besetting vice of democracies to substitute public opinion for law."
-- James Fenimore Cooper

"Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors. We seldom find people ungrateful so long as it is thought we can serve them."
-- Francois De La Rochefoucauld

"Believe in life! Always human beings will live and progress to greater, broader and fuller life."
-- W. E. B. Du Bois, Last message to the world, 1957

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
-- Philip K Dick

"An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup."
-- H. L. Mencken

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."
--H. L. Mencken

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself."
-- Richard F. Burton

"Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else."
-- James Barrie

"The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success. Talent is only a starting point in this business. You've got to keep on working that talent. Someday I'll reach for it and it won't be there."
-- Irving Berlin

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."
-- Jack Benny

"Don't tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results."
-- George Patton

"If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."
-- Dorthy Parker

There are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare.
-- Blair Houghton

"Want to Make $$$$ with your Computer? No Risk! Simply press shift-4 four times in a row!"
-- Andy R

"Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes."
-- E. W. Dijkstra

"It does not take a majority to prevail..but rather an irate, tireless minority"
-- Samuel Adams/Revolutionist

"Hardly used" will not fetch you a better price for your brain.
--Macrobat

Keep your friends close, and your enemies in a small jar on your desk.
-- McCarrum

Give a man a fish, he owes you one fish. Teach a man to fish, you give up your monopoly on fisheries.

"Let's hear it for the vague blur."
--_A_Scanner_Darkly_, Philip K. Dick

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

"Politicians are cheaper when bought in bulk"

fish -> ghoti

Proper Yodaonic phrasing:
[Adjective] noun, subject predicate [repeat pattern] - [mmm, ah, and/or oh] [? or !]
Example: "Morning napalm, I love; Victory, it smells -mmm?"
-- from 'Fute

There's a passage in the Publisher's Forward to Fletcher Pratt's 1948 novel The Well of the Unicorn that really should be included with every science fiction and fantasy story:
The reader is not introduced to this world in easy stages; it is a going concern when the reader arrives on the scene and he is expected to find his way around in it by the same process of keeping his mouth shut and his eyes and ears open that he is he frequently forced to use when he takes a new job or moves to a new community.

Girls requires time and money
GIRLS = TIME * MONEY
but if "time is money"
TIME = MONEY
we have that
GIRLS = MONEY^2
and if "money is the root of all evil"
MONEY = SQRT(EVIL)
this implies that
GIRLS = EVIL
Q.E.D (quod erat demonstrandum)

I saw a guy who had an amulet which would prevent any sort of theft. It seemed like a useful thing to have, so I grabbed it while he wasn't looking.

To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
--unknown

I only got as far as the 3 Arrs in pirate school.
--unknown